Thursday, October 31, 2013
These were the questions I had about Job, that is, until the past few weeks. You see, I have been incrementally losing everything. Two years ago my mother passed away from a head injury, but I was so happy to still have my father. Weeks later he died from a heart attack, but I still had my brothers and sisters. I was the co-executor on their sizable estate and over the next year, I lost many of my brothers and sisters to disputes and control. Depressed and stressed, I confided to my Christian friends. Eventually they avoided me. I stopped writing and my writers' group stopped including me. I thought, OK, I still have my children, but political differences between my daughter and I separated us- for now.
Yes, I do believe the loss is 'for now'. I do have enough faith in God to know he will restore the things that are my heart's desire. But, I asked myself, "Why is God doing or allowing this?"
I have observed that God's acts are like a finely cut diamond. He never uses a good work to prosper just one person, his works are so multi-faceted, we may never know whom or how many people have been served by our answered prayer. Still, a spiritual child in many ways, I wanted to know why he was doing this to ME.
I began an inventory. Yes, I am not a perfect servant - at times I am not even a good servant. Still I am God's child by my own decision to believe and accept his plan of salvation, and as his child I inherit a level of rights as he outlined in his Word. One of those rights is to be sheltered from the enemy and another is to expect not to be punished - disciplined yes - but not punished.
"So, Lord - what are you doing to me? I want to know!" The answer came, and came and came again. I hate criticism - well my son said it with a little more finesse - I am too sensitive. Of course I countered, "You should be glad I am so sensitive because that is where my love lies."; a spurious argument. Being sensitive was about me; my ego. Love is about the other person, and then I remembered my prayer journal from last year. "Please God make me a loving person." My sensitivity was limiting me for the next level God wanted me to take.
"I submit, Lord. Do your wonderful thing with me - change me to your Will - not mine. I know you will restore all that has been lost when I am ready to receive any criticism from those I love. In Jesus' name."